Good Enough.3:09:00 PM
Today, was a day when I felt like a failure. Now, don't get me wrong. I KNOW deep down who I am and that God calls me His daughter, not a failure. That I am a conqueror in His eyes. But in my own eyes… well today, they were fogged over and my mind could not shake the idea that I had failed.
I am on day 3 of the fast, day 3 of being back to homeschooling after break and day 3 of about to loose my freaking mind. That sounds exaggerated, but that's how I feel.
It may be a combination of no chocolate and the adjustment of starting back in a school like routine… but man its been a rough few days.
God called me to Homeschool. Deep down inside of me, I remember the calling and I remember the drive to do it. The first few weeks were tough, but the excitement overrode those moments and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was what I was supposed to be doing. However, these days I am really questioning it. More days than not, I wind up feeling so guilty for the things that we did not accomplish and forget the things that we did. I feel like maybe she should be in public school where she can fully learn all day long and be around friends who encourage her. The other day she held her ears when her little sister was crying and said "Mommy, I can't think!!" I wanted to scream that with her, especially since I myself could not think. I wanted to carry her and myself straight to the first school and enroll her right away. I wanted to fix the problem and find a solution. Again, maybe she would be better off… Maybe I am not doing enough?
Then there is my baby. I absolutely love the season that she is in. She is in that cute walking stage where she loves to pull everything off of the shelf on to her head. She loves to walk around with food and drool falling from her mouth while she makes the cutest babble talk that I have ever heard. And she loves to be held when she is not walking around trying to put her hands in the toilet. I mean she is into EVERYTHING. And after she strings the toilet paper all over the bathroom and throws a shoe in the bathtub, she looks at me with those big brown eyes and just melts my heart when she does that deep chuckle laugh. And here is the thing, I knew this season would come, just as it did with my other two girls and I also know that this too shall pass, however having BOTH of these seasons at once, is sometimes too overwhelming. Homeschooling a 5 year old and keeping track of a very busy 18 month old is hard. Very hard. Am I doing enough?
And not to mention my sweet second born child who is now starting to feel the effects of being squeezed in the middle. I am starting to realize all of the cautionary warnings that I have received about being the "middle" child. Her behavior is changing and she seems to be having a "mind battle" of her own. She is often quite when I separate her from the other two and I have a real hard time getting her to open up about her feelings. If she feels like me, she probably feels like she can't get a word in otherwise. However, I don't want to just ignore this. As a mother I sense that she needs some extra loving, some extra mommy time… but how? How can I squeeze another thing in? Am I doing enough?
I am not writing this for a complaint session. I am writing this to share what my house has looked like and sounded like for the last 3 days. Deep down I know that my girls will grow up to be successful, God loving women with a divine purpose and destiny for their life. I know that when I fail, His grace carries them and me and that in the end, everything is going to be ok. But until then…
How do I manage this? I know that writing helps. I know that sharing my struggles opens up other women to share their stories of hardship, success and personal advice on how they pulled themselves up out of the mud. I literally feel a release already. It may be the writing or it may be that I have had 30 minutes of quiet time to myself. It may be that all of the prayers that I have said the last 48 hours are finally bringing me some peace. It may be that I have a supportive husband who is willing to go in the mud with me and pull me out.
I don't know, but I do know this…
That being a mom is hard. It doesn't matter if you have ONE or SEVEN. You are doing the same job and you are carrying your family emotionally and physically. Hearing "mommy" can be the most joyous sound or the most irritating sound in the world, but despite the feeling, you must always answer to both.
I may not know the answers to all of my ranting questions… but I do know the One who does. He is the only way that I can make it through my day.
I have to remind myself that there is strength in failure. That when we are weak, He is strong. That when we overcome our failures with His help, that is how we become victorious.
So today, despite the many mistakes that I made, I will choose to see myself as victorious. I will pick myself up, delete myself of the agenda and probably order a pizza for tonight's dinner.
Because good enough is good enough for today.